MONDAY MUSINGS: MIDWEST WEATHER WREAKS HAVOC HERE TOO...

Last year at this time I had imported an Italian dinner to Mississippi for a birthday celebration and lo and behold the night of the dinner  there was a torrential storm warning and PTSD did a number with this cook with worries as to whether the dinner guests would have complications returning to their homes. 

Remember I also have lived off the beaten path where downpours could wreak havoc.  Besides not being able to see where you were going, roads could be washed away. Those of you who have known me through a1000 yr flood know I have also been iced in, stuck in a ditch and seen more snow in one winter than these Southerners will ever see in their entire lifetimes... 

Today a new session of classes begins for LifeQuest's Spanish For Travelers since last Monday was MLK day, and of all things, ice is expected with the extra moisture and another cold blast of Nordic temps which plagued us with 2+" of snow this past week. 

 I know you up North and down here will appreciate the following truths...

"If you are new to Arkansas, we are about to experience “Arkansas Winter”. This is 6 or 7 days of cold, maybe some ice and snow. It may snow, it may not…could be 10” could be 1/2”. It doesn’t matter how much snow there is, we’ll all freak out because we don’t see snow often. The media threat of snow (or ice) is your prompt to head to the grocery store and buy milk, eggs and bread. It doesn’t matter if you need these items. It’s just what we do. Everyone in town will be there. You’ll also need to make a mad dash for faucet covers. Finding them and getting out of the store will be like an episode of The Hunger Games. You’re in the redneck district now. Don’t look for a sled. You won’t find one. In the rare chance we get enough ice or snow to sled, grab some cardboard or a trash can lid and go find the nearest hill. Just go with it. You’ll be fine. We don’t have equipment to handle the winter and weather. The roads will be a mess and even though the state has been telling you for a week they’re ready, they’re not and it won’t work. Just stay home if you can and if you can’t just come to terms with the fact that nobody here knows how to drive in snow and ice. Whatever you do, DO NOT talk about snow tires. If you happen to slide off the road or get stuck, turn your flashers on, take a deep breath, and wait. Two guys in a four-wheel drive truck will be along in no time to offer assistance. Don’t try to help them, they live for this stuff and will do what they can to get you back on the road. If either one of them screams “Hey y’all watch this” just get back and get your phone out and start recording, you’ll probably have a viral video. Also of note, when they offer you beer and deer sticks, don’t be rude, take them and smile. No matter what you do, don’t talk about how they did it back home in any of these scenarios. Nobody cares. You live in Arkansas now. When we act like we’re going to die and start to complain about the 7 days of winter just shut up, we’re serious….You’ll be back in shorts and flip-flops in a week to ten days and it’ll be nice until right around Easter… Arkansas's“second winter” will be around Easter, usually the week before or the week after. This will hit right around the time you plant flowers and a garden. We know you’re not from around here when we see you’ve planted flowers before Easter and before the “second winter” has hit. This is why all the people at the nursery don’t sound like us when you’re shopping for plants. We know better. During the second winter it’ll go from 70 to 25 and you’ll experience all four seasons in one day. This too shall pass, get used to it and when the second winter is over you can enjoy the 3-4 weeks of “spring” before summer gets here and it’ll melt your face off hot until sometime around Halloween..." Welcome to my new life.