Holiday's can bring out all kinds of emotions. I belong to a group on FaceBook called Cool Retired Women where all sorts of news/ issues are posted and readers comment on them. Yesterday I read a very emotional entry by a Senior whose children are all grown up and out of the house and it's holiday time. I thought maybe you might relate/ like to comment.
"My heart did not break the day the doctors told me my husband, Raymond, had passed away. It did not break when I sold the little brick house we lived in for more than forty years because the stairs felt like a mountain.
No. My heart broke on a quiet Tuesday afternoon when I stared at a single text message on my phone.
My name is Eleanor. I am seventy six years old and I live alone in a small condo outside Minneapolis. I want to tell you about the Christmas that almost crushed me. Not because of something dramatic, but because of a sentence that many older people hear today.
"You can stop by later for dessert if you want."
There was no anger in it. No shouting. Just a short message from my daughter, Melissa. She is a busy mother of two teenagers, balancing a demanding job and endless responsibilities.
But those words hit me harder than winter ice.
For decades, Christmas at our home was wild in the best way. Wrapping paper everywhere. Raymond carving a turkey that was always a little too dry. Kids running around. Laughter mixing with the smell of cinnamon.
I was the one who kept everything moving. I was the center of it all.
But time changes things. It takes away the noise. Then it takes away your purpose.
Raymond passed away. The kids grew up and moved away. The grandkids became teenagers who talk mostly through screens. My home became perfectly clean.
Quiet.
Too quiet.
This year, I waited for the holiday plans. Checking my phone again and again. Not just hoping to be invited, but hoping to feel needed.
Finally, I asked Melissa, "What time should I come on the twenty fifth? Do you want me to bring my holiday casserole?"
Three dots appeared. Then her reply came:
"Hi Mom! We are keeping the morning very simple. Just me, Tom, and the kids relaxing and opening gifts. We are really tired. But you can come later for dessert if you want! Maybe around four. No pressure!"
I sat in my kitchen with that message glowing on the screen.
Simple morning. Just us. If you want.
Sometimes in America, everything becomes about the small, tight family. The parents. The kids. And everyone else becomes extra. Even the people who raised you.
I felt like a second thought. Like a visitor.
But I typed back, "Sounds wonderful. See you at four."
Because that is what mothers do. We pretend we are fine because we do not want to be the parent who needs too much. We add exclamation marks to hide the hurt.
Christmas morning arrived. I woke up early out of habit. My hands remembered the feeling of hanging stockings. My body remembered the rush of preparing food.
But none of it was needed.
I made one cup of coffee. I watched the Parade on TV. I saw families waving signs saying "Hi Grandma."
I looked around my clean, quiet living room, filled with decorations no one would see, and tears rolled down my face.
I was not crying because I was alone. I cried because I felt optional.
Around noon, I could not handle the silence anymore. I put on my coat and went for a drive. I passed houses with crowded driveways. I saw grandmothers holding babies through glowing windows.
I realized something heartbreaking about growing old here: we trade community for independence, and end up with loneliness.
I stopped at a gas station just to hear another person speak. The cashier said, "Merry Christmas."
I almost hugged him. "Merry Christmas. I am seeing my grandkids later," I said, mostly to convince myself.
At four, I knocked on Melissa’s door.
Warm air and noise rushed out. Food cooking. A football game blaring.
"Grandma!" The kids looked up for one moment, then returned to their screens.
Melissa hugged me. "Mom, you made it! There are leftovers on the counter. Help yourself."
I smiled. I ate the cold turkey. I watched them laugh at jokes I did not understand.
I was there, but not really part of it.
I felt like a visitor in a life I once built.
Driving home on icy roads, the truth settled inside me. A hard truth, but one that needs to be said.
Being loved is not the same as being included.
My daughter loves me. I know she does. But she forgot that I am still a person who wants to belong. Not just someone to check on when needed.
So here is my message to younger families:
Your parents know you are busy. We know your life is stressful. We know you want simple holidays.
But we are disappearing a little each year. We lose friends. We lose energy. We lose our place in the world.
The only thing that keeps us connected is you.
When you say, "Come later," we hear, "You are not part of the whole day."
We do not need fancy gifts or perfect dinners.
We want the messy moments. We want to be there when the wrapping paper flies everywhere. We want the chaos because it reminds us we are still part of something.
So please, do not just squeeze us in. Do not put us between naps and errands.
Invite us early. Let us be there. Let us belong.
Because one day the house will be empty, and you will realize the greatest gift was not the presents.
It was the person sitting quietly on the couch, happy just to watch your life unfold.
Do not wait until we are gone to make us a priority.
Everyone can use A SHOULDER TO CRY ON... sometime. Take a listen to Alan Walker and Ava Max's ALONE Part 2.
